One of the best weekends ever.

 Almost two weeks ago I told you about our pending trip to Dallas. Now we are back and all that I can say is that my experience was much greater than anything I ever could have imagined. The event, the National MS Society's Annual Leadership Conference, started on Thursday and ended on Saturday and in between were general sessions, breakout sessions, gala dinners, entertainment and more than 500 of the nicest, kindest and most caring people that you could ever meet.

Then it occurred to me. “Of course they are nice. After all, this is a cause.” The people who work for the MS Society are a kind and caring bunch, otherwise they would not work there. The people who volunteer and contribute at this level are kind and caring, otherwise they wouldn't be there.  To be immersed, among and gathered with all of these people was an absolute joy. It was a great thrill for me and a weekend that was filled with  praIses and accolades. I do not know if that is because of the job that I did or because they are so darn nice. Either way, it sure felt good.

 There were X Games Gold Medal winners, Clay Walker, David Osmond and a very talented 10-year-old girl who brought the house down when she sang “the Climb”. There were astronomical fundraisers who have raised millions of dollars for the society, activists who have helped make great changes in how Medicare treats those of us living with MS. There were students who were scholarship winners, researchers and clinicians. Barbecues, cocktails and a video being shot that had everybody singing and dancing.

 In other words, it was fun, moving, informative and inspiring. It was everything that you could hope for at an event like this. It was without a doubt one of the best experiences of my life. My only hope is that someday all of you have the opportunity to attend an MS Leadership Conference.

 Who knows? Maybe next year we can all meet up in Denver at the next conference.

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To me it is a very big deal!

I feel like I've told lots of people about this. Yet, almost every day I realize that I've left somebody out and the fact is that I want everybody to know.

 In mid-August I was contacted by the National MS Society. Not the local chapter where we normally direct a lot of our time and attention, but the Big One, the Parent, the Behemoth, the “national” National MS Society asking me if I would co-emcee their National Leadership Conference to be held in Dallas next week. Me?  They were asking me? There are a lot of Michael Gerbers in the world. Did they really mean me? They did and there have been very few times in my life where I have felt so honored and excited to be asked to participate in something. This was one of those times.

 As the song says "Our bags are packed. We're ready to go.” We are actually leaving a few days early to visit a very close friend in Austin, which we are also excited about. In fact, it will be a reunion for four us who have known each other for more than 35 years and who live in different cities across the country. Then it is off to Dallas for the really big show. An opportunity for us to meet and greet the real movers and shakers behind the MS Society. Individuals who have raised more than $1,000,000, companies that have raised millions of dollars, researchers who are at the forefront of the progress being made to lead us to a cure and the management and staff of the Society that make it all happen. 

 “The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step.” Our journey is thousands of miles (round trip, that is) and begins with an airplane ride. I promise to share some of the details when I return. Until then, I trust that your good wishes are with me as mine are with you every single day.

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“Staying married is its own reward”

That phrase, “staying married is its own reward” was told to me almost 26 years ago.   I think that until someone has been married for 15 or 20 years, they cannot fully understand how meaningful and true that statement is. It is for me and I should know. Today is my 32nd wedding anniversary.

 There is an intimacy that comes with the knowledge and comfort of another person that comes with time. You know how they think, feel and breathe. You can hand them things before they ask, or know what is needed before they do. You can finish sentences for each other, help remember names, watch their diets, remind them to make calls, and let it be okay if they fall asleep watching TV. You might have disagreements, but then you go on.  They may be less than perfect (not me, but other people) and that is okay, it is part of who they are. That is how it is for us.

 There is a tremendous feeling that comes with just knowing that they are there.  They could be in the next room or laying next to you in bed, but the certainty that they are there is more than comforting. It is an assurance that all is right in the world. That is how it is for us.

Ask couples who have been married for quite a while what it takes to succeed and you will get a lot of different answers. “Don't go to bed angry.” “Always show respect to one another.” “Laugh at his jokes even if you have heard them 100 times.” I have an answer that I believe trumps all of that and I can tell it to you in a single word: gratitude….at least that is how it is for us.

Gratitude is the key to happiness in all areas of life and relationships are no different.  Gratitude must be felt and expressed, it must be shared or it is of no use. It must be genuine and never forgotten. At least that is how it is for us.

On the day we were married we were so grateful to have found one another. What we did not know then is that the expression of gratitude must be done regularly or it will be forgotten. Once forgotten, a partner can be taken for granted and when that happens there can be troubles in the relationship.

Today our relationship is better and stronger than ever. Why is that? Because we have learned about gratitude, feel grateful and constantly express our gratitude to one another.

Today I am very grateful. Grateful to have found someone to share my life with. Grateful to have found someone to build a life with. Grateful to have a partner that is loving, kind, affectionate and so much more.

Happy anniversary, Gail. I love you more today than yesterday, but not as much as tomorrow.

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Jim Morrison taught me how to sing.

Jim Morrison, the artist, the poet, and legendary lead singer of The Doors taught me how to sing. I know this is a crazy notion. He died in 1971 and I did not learn how to sing until 1973. But, it's true.

I grew up in Whittier, California until I was 14 years old. Then we moved to Huntington Beach and as a sophomore in high school, I was the "new kid", a less than enviable position to hold. I missed my old friends and old surroundings. That longing made it harder to make new friends.  Without friends, I had a lot of time to myself and developed new habits, one of which was to come home, put on the headphones, turn on the stereo, and sing my heart out. In particular I loved to listen to the "Doors Live" album and would sing along, with my friend Jim, for hours at a time. The vocal range, the pitch, and tone all seemed perfect for me to sing along to and that is how I learned to sing. Practice. Practice. Practice.

You're probably asking, didn't you know how to sing before? Sure, anyone can sing, but not everyone can sing well, on pitch, on key, and with no flats or sharps.  My older brother seemed to have great musical skills. He could sing and play the guitar. Wow! At one holiday gathering we got up to sing together and I was nicely asked "why don't you let your brothers sing this one." I got the message. I did not have his natural singing ability. In fact I was just no good at it... until I met Jim.

Once I learned how to sing, my world changed. I got involved with the school choir, starred in the school musicals and had found a new way to meet people and make friends.  I also learned much more.

I learned, and wholeheartedly believe, that everyone can sing. People who say "I can't sing" usually don't. How are you going to learn anything if you don't do it? Perhaps you don't sing well, have perfect pitch or a voice like Madonna or Jim Morrison, but you never will ifyou never do it. That was an important lesson and has stayed with me

ever since.

Years later, as my kids approached their teenage years, both felt as I

did: that they could not sing. So I pressured, harassed, encouraged

and sang along with them and do you know what happened? They learned

how to sing, got involved with choir and were in the school musicals.

Our son, who had less confidence in his singing then his sister,

became so confident that when he went to college he started an a

cappella group. Both of our kids learned this lesson too.

Singing is also good for the soul. It is a form of expressing almost

every emotion. Joy, sorrow, excitement, loss, love and so much more.

"That is exactly how I feel" Is how we respond when someone has

already put the words and music together. Singing allows us to

verbalize, vocalize those feelings. Expressing those feelings can only

be good for the soul.

If more people sang, the world would be a happier place. We don't have

to join hands and sing Kumbaya (not that this is a bad idea) and we

don't have to sing today's Top 40. What we can do is sing, sing more, sing out loud and sing because it is good for you.

I like the sound of that. Don't you?

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The Medical Report

I remember laughing. It was almost 30 years ago and if you called my mother-in-law and asked “How ya doing?” you got the answer, the whole medical report whether you wanted it or not. Well, here it is, almost 30 years later and if you ask me, or my wife, or most of our friends “How ya doing?”, you are likely to get the whole medical report.

What happened? We got older. More importantly, our bodies got older too and with aging bodies comes more ailments, diseases….and medical reports.

The truth is that those we care about and those who care about us want to know how we are. It’s more than a morbid curiousity. But rather an “I made it” –“Did you make it too?” type of curiosity. The fact is that we are getting older and to me, that’s the good news.

For many years I have said “If we are lucky enough to live long enough, we will all have something to deal with.” That’s the good news. It means that we have lived long enough to have something. That’s life and I would rather have it than not have it. Some of us are ‘lucky enough to have our health issues earlier…..like me.
God willing you are in your 50’s, 60’s, 70’s or older and are healthy and strong. What a blessing. But chances are that if you have lived that long, you know someone who has had to face serious health issues and chances are that when you ask “How ya doing?”, you really want to know.

Little did I know that way back when I asked my mother-in-law “How ya doing”, the meaning and significance those three little words would take on not that many years later.

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Marital Advice From An Expert.....Me!

I am not a psychologist or therapist and have no formal training on how to counsel others. What I do have is a very happy marriage of 30 years and that is what qualifies me to give advice…….experience.

Ask couples who have been married many years what the secret is and you will get a variety of answers. “Respect”. “Friendship”. “Never go to bed angry”. All good answers, all valid. But I believe that my answer to the question trumps all of those answers.

My advise is different and if you follow it, all those other pieces will fall into place. My advise is to be grateful.

Remember why you fell in love and all the things about your partner that you are grateful for and tell them. By telling them you remind them, and yourself, of what it is you love about them. Gratitude is the key to happiness and to staying in love. Unexpressed gratitude is useless. It must be expressed. Otherwise it is like buying someone a present and never giving it to them. Useless.

The opposite of gratitude is taking things for granted. Whenever things go awry in a relationship, one of the parties always feels taken for granted. Don’t let that happen.

Make expressing gratitude a habit. It has taken some of us a long to learn this, but I can tell you from personal experience that it works. Gail and I just celebrated our 30th anniversary, and I can honestly say that I am more in love with her today, then I was on the day we married and I am more grateful too. Rarely does a day go by without me telling her that I love her and why. And guess what? She does the same with me.

The last several years, and in particular, living with a disability, has taught me more about gratitude than I ever could have learned in a life without incident. But don’t wait for a life changing event to learn these lessons. Remind yourself, and your partner, today why you fell in love and do it all over again.

You, and your partner, will be glad you did.

Happy anniversary, Gail. I love you more today than yesterday.

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Rejection has never felt so good.

Is it the good news or the bad news? This past week and for the third time, I was turned down as a participant in a clinical trial. Getting into one of these trials as a volunteer/participant is tougher than I thought it would be. This time, however, being turned down was the good news.

This particular study was to see if exercise could improve the cognitive function of those of us living with MS. You needed to have a minimal level of physical ability and some evidence of loss of cognitive function. The doctor gave me a physical exam and then the Clinical Director administered a test of 60 questions to measure thinking skills and memory processing speed. The good news is that I answered 59 of the 60 questions correctly. A high score.

The bad news was that because of my score, I was not an eligible candidate for the study. Geez……..I may never get into one of these clinical trials.

More than half of the people living with MS will experience some level of cognitive dysfunction. Another fact is that over time, the great majority of us will experience some physical disability. Given a choice (which I am not), I would choose to have the physical disability over the cognitive disability every time. Luckily for me, that is how the course of my MS seems to be going.

Acceptance seems to be one of the best ways to live with a chronic condition….really, to live life under any conditions. By acceptance I don’t mean complacency or resignation. I mean accepting what is true, what cannot be changed and making the most out of whatever abilities I do have.

According to the test, my cognitive function is great. Will it always be that way? I can only hope so and can take steps to maintain the status quo, both mentally and physically. But if it changes, I know exactly what will do. Make the most out of whatever abilities I do have.

Will I ever get into one of these studies? I can only hope not.

Participate. Make a difference. Live a life that matters.

Doing the best we can Part Four: "Never Underestimate The Power Of A Smile"

I found what I hope is the perfect ending to this series on doing the best you can. It is a very short video taken from ABC News of a graduation speech given by a very special young man. The video takes less than three minutes to watch and shows us all the power of what can be done when we do the best we can.

Student's Inspirational Graduation Speech

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Doing the best we can. Part three: Life and love.

Sometimes doing our best has nothing to do with physical accomplishments, careers or travels. It has to do with how we approach life, living and love. All too often, when faced with a chronic illness, a person dismisses the possibility of love and romance. After all, who would want to sign up for that in a relationship?

That said, meet Dan and Jennifer. They met several years ago, fell in love, got married and have been happy ever since. A typical love story, except for one thing. They both have multiple sclerosis.

Dan has relapsing-remitting MS and it is not as severe as Jennifer’s (or mine!). He works, he walks and he jogs about three times a week. He also cares for Jennifer.

Jennifer has secondary-progressive MS. She cannot work or walk. But she is a caregiver to Dan, helping in every way that she can.

Dan and Jennifer have something else too. They have a tremendous spirit and attitude that propels them to make a difference in the world. As a result, they are an example to everyone who knows or knows of them.

Having MS does not stop them from participating. In fact, just the opposite is true. They lead and inspire others. They fundraise, advocate and speak. They receive rewards and recognition and are featured in articles and videos. They have even figured out how to dance together. They are alive, in love and living with a chronic illness.

They are not only doing the best they can, they are doing great.

I have never met Dan and Jennifer, but have been a fan for some time now. I am always touched and inspired by the things they do and their extraordinary love for each other. Read Dan and Jennifer's blog and learn more about them. Learn about two people doing their best in life and love and be inspired to do the best you can.

Dan and Jennifer have a prayer that say every night and part of it is as follows:

“Gracious God, help Jennifer and me to accept your will in our illness. As your children we believe that you cause all things to work together for our good, both of body and of spirit. But sometimes in the midst of illness and pain we forget or doubt. Forgive our weak faith. When we become impatient, encourage us by your word. Despite our worries and suffering, help us by our lives to reflect the radiance and confidence of those certain of your promises of help. Restore us to sound health if it be your will, and enable us with new vigor and enthusiasm to serve you zealously for many years to come. O Lord, have mercy. Hear our prayer. Amen.”

I think their prayers are being answered.

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Doing the best we can. Part Two. When is failure a success?

When is failure a success? Every time we do the best that we can do.

Recently I was introduced to Wendy Booker. Have you heard of her? She is an extraordinary person who does amazing things. She used to be an interior designer. now she runs marathons and much more. She also lives with Multiple Sclerosis.

Wendy is a 55 year old single mom and was diagnosed with MS twelve years ago. After getting her diagnosis, she learned of a team of mountain climbers, all with MS, who were training to climb Mount McKinley (Denali). The team attempted their first climb in 2002 and due to weather, did not make it to the top. But that didn’t stop Wendy.

In 2004 she went back and made it to the top. She then decided to be the first person with MS to climb the highest mountain on every continent: Kilimanjaro, Denali, Mt. Elbrus, Mt. Aconcagua, Mt. Vinson Massif, Mt. Kosciuszko and Mount Everest, the Seven Summits. So far she has completed six of those climbs. How amazing is that?

After months of preparation, in April Wendy set out to climb Mount Everest, the world’s tallest mountain and a climb of more than 29,000 feet.

A climb like this requires much more than physical strength and determination. Many of the obstacles are unknown and unpredictable until the climber gets there and discovers how their body responds. At over 17,000 feet, Wendy’s body could no longer tolerate the lack of oxygen and extreme temperature changes, all compounded and magnified by her MS. She did not make it to the top. She did not realize her goal.

Does not making it to the top mean that Wendy failed? I don’t think so. In fact, I consider her a huge success. She did more than she ever did before. She has done and accomplished what few able-bodied people can do. She did what no other known person with MS has ever done. She has set the bar for herself and others who may want to accomplish a similar goal. She did the best that she could do. Fail? I don’t thinks so.

Wendy has set an example for all of us. We all have ‘mountains to climb’. The questions are will we and will we do the best we can?

I encourage you to learn more about Wendy by visiting her blog (http://wendybooker.wordpress.com ) and website (http://www.wendybooker.net ). Then go climb a mountain and do the best you can.

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