Today is my 52nd birthday and I do not have a gift picked out yet for all of you.
You may recall that last year at this time I published a blog about my birthday philosophy (Click Here). That is that my birthday is a time for me to celebrate those who are closest to me and those who make a difference in my life. This includes family and friends, and it includes all those who read, comment and inspire me through my blog. To me, that means that some of you deserve gifts, some acknowledgements and others need to know and trust that you really do matter to me.
I don’t drive, so I did not go shopping. Besides, money has been very tight this year and I can’t afford to buy all the gifts that my friends and family deserve……and they are very deserving. So what can I give them instead? What can I do to express my gratitude and affection for those who matter most to me?
One of the things that I think I do best is having relationships with people. I care. I communicate. I listen. I support. I truly want the best for the people I love most and I think they know that.```````````
So my gift this year is to do the same…….more of the same. I will continue to care and listen. I will continue to offer you my perspectives on life and I (we) will continue to keep our doors open for those seeking respite, companionship, laughs and friendship.
Yes, there are many things that I cannot do physically or fiscally. But what I can do and give is more of the same.
Hmmm………More of the same is my gift to you? I think I have just figured out what to give myself.
Participate. Make a difference. Live a life that matters.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Kind of matters.
Have you ever tried changing lanes on the LA freeway system? Fought for a parking space at Costco on a weekend day? Waited in line only to have someone jump in front of you and had to say “Excuse, but I think I was next???” If you have, and have had those experiences repeatedly as I have, then you will understand why I say that I never expected our world to be a particularly kind place. Each man for himself. Survival of the fittest. Dog eat dog and so on.
It turns out that I was wrong. Our world is filled with kind people. I know this because I am the beneficiary of random acts of kindness from complete strangers almost every day of my life. Living with a disability has taught me that.
My disability has progressed as my disease has. In time I needed a cane, then a walker and now use a wheelchair from time to time. As my disability became more visible to the outside world, I began experiencing more and more of these acts of kindness.
I used to travel for work and often someone, a complete stranger, would see my awkwardness, grab my bags and help me get on or off a shuttle to or from the airport. One day I was getting in my car and dropped something as I was fumbling with my keys. A stranger driving down the street pulled over, jumped out of his car and handed me the dropped items. Random acts of kindness from complete strangers. WOW!
These repeated experiences have completely changed my view. The world is filled with kind people who are willing and ready to help a stranger. Random acts of kindness are much more common than I ever dreamed of and as the beneficiary, I make it a point to acknowledge and thank these people from the bottom of my heart.
But kindness is often more than performing a simple task or favor. Kindness reveals itself in many different ways. It may be in the form of an anonymous donation to a cause or simply picking up an item at a store for someone because it may be wanted or needed.
Kindness can be the act of just listening to a loved one or a complete stranger who just needs to be heard or get something off their chest. It could be as simple as saying “hello” and “how are you” to someone who rarely gets asked at their job or work, like a cashier or bank teller or someone working behind the counter at a fast food franchise.
Kindness reveals itself in a thousand different ways. But it always is a selfless act that for at least a moment, makes someone else’s life better. I know. Acts of kindness continue to fill every day of my life.
I have learned to expect the best from people and am rarely ever disappointed. There are times when I need help and today I am confident that I always can and will always find it. It turns out that the human race is a pretty good one to be a part of. My faith is restored. Kind people are kind people and there are plenty of them.
That has been my experience. What is your experience? Is the world a kind place? Or is it cruel? Do people really care about their fellow man? I would love to know about your experiences.
Participate. Make a difference. Live a life that matters.
It turns out that I was wrong. Our world is filled with kind people. I know this because I am the beneficiary of random acts of kindness from complete strangers almost every day of my life. Living with a disability has taught me that.
My disability has progressed as my disease has. In time I needed a cane, then a walker and now use a wheelchair from time to time. As my disability became more visible to the outside world, I began experiencing more and more of these acts of kindness.
I used to travel for work and often someone, a complete stranger, would see my awkwardness, grab my bags and help me get on or off a shuttle to or from the airport. One day I was getting in my car and dropped something as I was fumbling with my keys. A stranger driving down the street pulled over, jumped out of his car and handed me the dropped items. Random acts of kindness from complete strangers. WOW!
These repeated experiences have completely changed my view. The world is filled with kind people who are willing and ready to help a stranger. Random acts of kindness are much more common than I ever dreamed of and as the beneficiary, I make it a point to acknowledge and thank these people from the bottom of my heart.
But kindness is often more than performing a simple task or favor. Kindness reveals itself in many different ways. It may be in the form of an anonymous donation to a cause or simply picking up an item at a store for someone because it may be wanted or needed.
Kindness can be the act of just listening to a loved one or a complete stranger who just needs to be heard or get something off their chest. It could be as simple as saying “hello” and “how are you” to someone who rarely gets asked at their job or work, like a cashier or bank teller or someone working behind the counter at a fast food franchise.
Kindness reveals itself in a thousand different ways. But it always is a selfless act that for at least a moment, makes someone else’s life better. I know. Acts of kindness continue to fill every day of my life.
I have learned to expect the best from people and am rarely ever disappointed. There are times when I need help and today I am confident that I always can and will always find it. It turns out that the human race is a pretty good one to be a part of. My faith is restored. Kind people are kind people and there are plenty of them.
That has been my experience. What is your experience? Is the world a kind place? Or is it cruel? Do people really care about their fellow man? I would love to know about your experiences.
Participate. Make a difference. Live a life that matters.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Denial: A Basic Survival Skill
A friend of mine who is a psychologist, told me that I am suffering from “Chronic Euphoria”. She says I am far too happy for my circumstances and teases me about being in denial. The truth is that she is right. I am in denial. In fact, it may be our most important survival skill.
We all live with varying degrees of denial. If we didn’t, we would never leave the house. Fatal car accidents occur every day. But not to me. Houses and buildings burn down every day. But not where I am. I live in Los Angeles and someday there will be a catastrophic earthquake. But it won’t hit my house. A certain amount of denial is required for us to be able to function in this modern world of ours. I consider this a ‘healthy level of denial’.
What is an unhealthy level of denial? Denying what already exists. My psychologist friend is worried that I may be in denial about how my disease/disability affects others around me. I don’t think so. In fact, I think I am particularly sensitive about how my disease affects others, especially my wife who is my primary caregiver. In many ways this disease (multiple sclerosis, for those who don’t know) is harder on her than it is on me. I am aware of that. No denial here.
Unhealthy denial may also occur when we deny that we have control or influence over circumstances in our lives. Or, at a minimum, controlling how we respond to those circumstances, events relationships, etc.
Healthy denial may be denying a possible adverse outcome. Denying a possible adverse outcome is also how many of us function every day. Car accidents, burning building and earthquakes occur almost daily, sometimes more often. If we really thought that these events would hurt or kill us, we would run and hide. We, or at least most of us, live our lives with an expectation that “bad things” won’t happen to us. While it is true that bad things happen all the time, we don’t expect them to happen to us.
I do know people that always expect the worst. To me, denying possible positive outcomes may be the UN-healthiest form of denial.
I live with a chronic disease and there is a great possibility that my condition may worsen. I know that and don’t deny it. But I live my life in anticipation of good things, accomplishing physical goals and expecting new treatments to improve my quality of life. To me, that is healthy denial and that is okay with me.
According to my psychologist friend, there is no such thing as “healthy denial.” Instead, she says that these are coping skills and being able to cope with the realities of life is good….and healthy. She is probably right.
Call it healthy denial, coping skills or whatever you like. Being able to accept reality is always healthy. There is no denying it.
Participate. Make a difference. Live a life that matters.
We all live with varying degrees of denial. If we didn’t, we would never leave the house. Fatal car accidents occur every day. But not to me. Houses and buildings burn down every day. But not where I am. I live in Los Angeles and someday there will be a catastrophic earthquake. But it won’t hit my house. A certain amount of denial is required for us to be able to function in this modern world of ours. I consider this a ‘healthy level of denial’.
What is an unhealthy level of denial? Denying what already exists. My psychologist friend is worried that I may be in denial about how my disease/disability affects others around me. I don’t think so. In fact, I think I am particularly sensitive about how my disease affects others, especially my wife who is my primary caregiver. In many ways this disease (multiple sclerosis, for those who don’t know) is harder on her than it is on me. I am aware of that. No denial here.
Unhealthy denial may also occur when we deny that we have control or influence over circumstances in our lives. Or, at a minimum, controlling how we respond to those circumstances, events relationships, etc.
Healthy denial may be denying a possible adverse outcome. Denying a possible adverse outcome is also how many of us function every day. Car accidents, burning building and earthquakes occur almost daily, sometimes more often. If we really thought that these events would hurt or kill us, we would run and hide. We, or at least most of us, live our lives with an expectation that “bad things” won’t happen to us. While it is true that bad things happen all the time, we don’t expect them to happen to us.
I do know people that always expect the worst. To me, denying possible positive outcomes may be the UN-healthiest form of denial.
I live with a chronic disease and there is a great possibility that my condition may worsen. I know that and don’t deny it. But I live my life in anticipation of good things, accomplishing physical goals and expecting new treatments to improve my quality of life. To me, that is healthy denial and that is okay with me.
According to my psychologist friend, there is no such thing as “healthy denial.” Instead, she says that these are coping skills and being able to cope with the realities of life is good….and healthy. She is probably right.
Call it healthy denial, coping skills or whatever you like. Being able to accept reality is always healthy. There is no denying it.
Participate. Make a difference. Live a life that matters.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Get out your POM-POMS!
I use wheelchair or walker everywhere I go. So you may be surprised to learn that yesterday, for the second year in a row I crossed the finish line at the MS Bike Ride.
Okay. I didn’t do the bike ride. But I was there and had an extremely important job to do: Greet and cheer for all the riders as they rode past the finish line.
My job, all of our jobs really, was to thank and express gratitude to those who are making our world a better place. Very few people have a physical disability that prevents them from cheering and acknowledging those who are making a difference. Besides, it is a lot of fun……..and there is free food too!
Theodore Roosevelt put it best when he said “No man has the moral right to withhold his support from an organization that is striving to improve conditions within his sphere.” I couldn’t agree more.
When it comes to making the world a better place, we can be participants in events, give money (which is always good) or give visible moral support to those that can and do these activities. It is important. It makes a difference. It is our obligation.
I used to be a jogger. I frequently paid my $20 or $25 registration fee, got my souvenir t-shirt and participated in these 5K or 10K events. At that time, it didn’t matter to me what the money raised was for. It could have been for Cancer, Capricorns or comedians. I just wanted to do the event.
Today when I am there to greet the participants at the finish line, I am in my wheelchair. I am a sort of visible representation and reminder of why they are riding and who they are riding for. When I say thank you, they know that I mean it from the bottom of my heart.
We (my family and I) do our own fundraising for the National MS Society. We also make donations to other organizations throughout the year (Diabetes, Alzheimer’s, AIDS, etc.). When we can, we also give money to others raising money for the same causes.
We lend our visible support at the Finish Line. It is our way of saying thanks and job well done. What it also does for us is keep us involved. Being surrounded by all that energy and excitement gets our blood flowing and gets us out of our daily routine. It also gives us an opportunity to make a difference to those who are making a difference for us.
Get involved. Become a cheerleader. Swing a pom-pom. Say thank you. Get a friend to join you. Feel alive. Be at the finish line. You, and the participants, will be glad you did.
Participate. Make a difference. Live a life that matters.
Okay. I didn’t do the bike ride. But I was there and had an extremely important job to do: Greet and cheer for all the riders as they rode past the finish line.
My job, all of our jobs really, was to thank and express gratitude to those who are making our world a better place. Very few people have a physical disability that prevents them from cheering and acknowledging those who are making a difference. Besides, it is a lot of fun……..and there is free food too!
Theodore Roosevelt put it best when he said “No man has the moral right to withhold his support from an organization that is striving to improve conditions within his sphere.” I couldn’t agree more.
When it comes to making the world a better place, we can be participants in events, give money (which is always good) or give visible moral support to those that can and do these activities. It is important. It makes a difference. It is our obligation.
I used to be a jogger. I frequently paid my $20 or $25 registration fee, got my souvenir t-shirt and participated in these 5K or 10K events. At that time, it didn’t matter to me what the money raised was for. It could have been for Cancer, Capricorns or comedians. I just wanted to do the event.
Today when I am there to greet the participants at the finish line, I am in my wheelchair. I am a sort of visible representation and reminder of why they are riding and who they are riding for. When I say thank you, they know that I mean it from the bottom of my heart.
We (my family and I) do our own fundraising for the National MS Society. We also make donations to other organizations throughout the year (Diabetes, Alzheimer’s, AIDS, etc.). When we can, we also give money to others raising money for the same causes.
We lend our visible support at the Finish Line. It is our way of saying thanks and job well done. What it also does for us is keep us involved. Being surrounded by all that energy and excitement gets our blood flowing and gets us out of our daily routine. It also gives us an opportunity to make a difference to those who are making a difference for us.
Get involved. Become a cheerleader. Swing a pom-pom. Say thank you. Get a friend to join you. Feel alive. Be at the finish line. You, and the participants, will be glad you did.
Participate. Make a difference. Live a life that matters.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
The Family Treasure
Michael Josephson of Character Counts is one of my favorite commentators. He recently published this story and I wanted to share it with all my friends. It is about choice.
“A 6-year-old girl I’ll call Sarah knocked over a display case that contained a much-cherished vase once owned by her great-grandmother. Her mom loved that vase and frequently referred to it as the family treasure. The vase hit the floor with a loud crash and shattered into pieces. Sarah, shocked and frightened at what she’d done, screamed and began sobbing.
Her mom came running into the room fearing the worst. Seeing the shattered vase, her heart sank. Then she saw Sarah sitting on the floor wailing. “I’m sorry, Mommy. I’m sorry, Mommy. I broke the family treasure!”
Seeing despair on her daughter’s face, the mother’s heart plunged further.
Faced with two powerful and conflicting instincts – one toward anger and blame, the other toward compassion and forgiveness, she sat next to Sarah, pulled her on her lap, and kissed her tears. “Sweetheart, when I ran in here, I was terrified that something bad had happened to our family’s most precious treasure. But thank God, you’re okay. Sarah, you are the family treasure.”
Sarah’s mom turned what could have been a painful incident and a lifelong source of guilt into an enduring source of affirmation and worthiness.
I wonder if I would have had the presence of mind to realize in the instant after an upsetting event that I could choose my reaction and that my choice would have a permanent impact on someone I love.
The reaction of Sarah’s mom was nothing short of heroic and stands as a reminder that, even in the face of powerful emotions, we do have choices – and they really matter.
This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.
This is my variation of a parable told by Rabbi Steven Carr Reuben, which in turn was derived from a true incident from one of his congregants.”
You can subscribe to his weekly newsletter at www.charactercounts.org/michael
Participate. Make a difference. Live a life that matters.
“A 6-year-old girl I’ll call Sarah knocked over a display case that contained a much-cherished vase once owned by her great-grandmother. Her mom loved that vase and frequently referred to it as the family treasure. The vase hit the floor with a loud crash and shattered into pieces. Sarah, shocked and frightened at what she’d done, screamed and began sobbing.
Her mom came running into the room fearing the worst. Seeing the shattered vase, her heart sank. Then she saw Sarah sitting on the floor wailing. “I’m sorry, Mommy. I’m sorry, Mommy. I broke the family treasure!”
Seeing despair on her daughter’s face, the mother’s heart plunged further.
Faced with two powerful and conflicting instincts – one toward anger and blame, the other toward compassion and forgiveness, she sat next to Sarah, pulled her on her lap, and kissed her tears. “Sweetheart, when I ran in here, I was terrified that something bad had happened to our family’s most precious treasure. But thank God, you’re okay. Sarah, you are the family treasure.”
Sarah’s mom turned what could have been a painful incident and a lifelong source of guilt into an enduring source of affirmation and worthiness.
I wonder if I would have had the presence of mind to realize in the instant after an upsetting event that I could choose my reaction and that my choice would have a permanent impact on someone I love.
The reaction of Sarah’s mom was nothing short of heroic and stands as a reminder that, even in the face of powerful emotions, we do have choices – and they really matter.
This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.
This is my variation of a parable told by Rabbi Steven Carr Reuben, which in turn was derived from a true incident from one of his congregants.”
You can subscribe to his weekly newsletter at www.charactercounts.org/michael
Participate. Make a difference. Live a life that matters.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Sense and Sensibility
When I talk about senses, I am not talking about sight, smell, touch, taste, etc. I am talking about something perhaps a little bigger. I am talking about those senses which give meaning to our lives. I am talking about having a sense of who we are in this world that we live in.
Sense of independence
When I gave up driving four years ago I worried that I would lose my sense of independence. I have not. What I have learned is that my independence is not dependent on my driving, ability to get my own meals or take care of all my daily needs. My independence is found in my thoughts, feelings, actions and words. Yes, my disability requires me to be more dependent on others than I ever dreamed of. But thankfully, that is not where my sense of independence comes from.
Sense of community
We all belong to something that is bigger than ourselves. But belonging is not enough. We must be participants too. Being a participant means that our goals are not driven by just what is good for ourselves. Instead we are driven by what is good for everyone.
Sense of humor
“I don’t think that I should use self-deprecating humor. But I think you should.”
We must first be able to laugh at ourselves. Then we can laugh with the world around us. Laughter leads to joy and joy is contagious. Be the source and cause of laughter. Life is too short to go without it.
Sense of wonder.
Marvel at the world around us. Be impressed by the beauty of life. Find majesty in sunsets and awe in the miracle of life being created. Be inspired by the power of the human spirit. Love the fact that you are alive and savor everything that life has to offer.
Sense of purpose
This can best be defined as the quality of having a definite purpose in life. Know why are you here and find the meaning your life has. Make a difference to someone or something and wake up everyday feeling great about the opportunity that each day offers.
We may lose our sense of taste or smell as we get older and that is okay. What we really want is to develop these other senses. After all, it may be the only truly sensible way to approach life.
Participate. Make a difference. Live a life that matters.
Sense of independence
When I gave up driving four years ago I worried that I would lose my sense of independence. I have not. What I have learned is that my independence is not dependent on my driving, ability to get my own meals or take care of all my daily needs. My independence is found in my thoughts, feelings, actions and words. Yes, my disability requires me to be more dependent on others than I ever dreamed of. But thankfully, that is not where my sense of independence comes from.
Sense of community
We all belong to something that is bigger than ourselves. But belonging is not enough. We must be participants too. Being a participant means that our goals are not driven by just what is good for ourselves. Instead we are driven by what is good for everyone.
Sense of humor
“I don’t think that I should use self-deprecating humor. But I think you should.”
We must first be able to laugh at ourselves. Then we can laugh with the world around us. Laughter leads to joy and joy is contagious. Be the source and cause of laughter. Life is too short to go without it.
Sense of wonder.
Marvel at the world around us. Be impressed by the beauty of life. Find majesty in sunsets and awe in the miracle of life being created. Be inspired by the power of the human spirit. Love the fact that you are alive and savor everything that life has to offer.
Sense of purpose
This can best be defined as the quality of having a definite purpose in life. Know why are you here and find the meaning your life has. Make a difference to someone or something and wake up everyday feeling great about the opportunity that each day offers.
We may lose our sense of taste or smell as we get older and that is okay. What we really want is to develop these other senses. After all, it may be the only truly sensible way to approach life.
Participate. Make a difference. Live a life that matters.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Two Emotional
There is a theory, perhaps a philosophy, which says that there are only two emotions: Fear and Love. Everything else falls under one of those two emotions.
So why is this important? It is important because if we can recognize our negative or “fear driven” emotions, we might be able to do something about them. When we control our emotions, we control our lives. Of course we may not always have control over what happens in our lives, but we can control how we feel or respond to what happens.
Recognizing our emotions is relevant to every aspect of our lives. How we feel about our relationships, money, politics, health, work, prejudices, and more are all determined by whether we are coming from a place of love or fear.
Racism and prejudice are driven by fear. That a person looks different is the cause of that fear. Being different makes them ‘unknown’ and we are always, or at least often, afraid of that which we don’t know. Once we get to know someone who looks different, that fear and our prejudice goes away. Fear of the unknown is a most basic and primal fear. But we are humans and can reason and rationalize and overcome our fears….and our prejudices.
Using a wheelchair makes me different and I experience a kind of fear and prejudice when I go out in public. I often make it a point to be particularly friendly in order to help others overcome their fears. Once that is done, they can treat me with love and don’t we all deserve that?
Fear based emotions rarely do us or anyone any good. These include hate, prejudice, distrust, doubt, pessimism, disgust and more. Love based emotions would be just the opposite; love, acceptance, trust, confidence, optimism, respect, etc.
Being able to recognize our emotions and fears gives us the opportunity to examine our feelings and ask ourselves “What are we afraid of?” If we can do that, we might not only be able to change how we feel, we just might change the world.
Participate. Make a difference. Live a life that matters.
So why is this important? It is important because if we can recognize our negative or “fear driven” emotions, we might be able to do something about them. When we control our emotions, we control our lives. Of course we may not always have control over what happens in our lives, but we can control how we feel or respond to what happens.
Recognizing our emotions is relevant to every aspect of our lives. How we feel about our relationships, money, politics, health, work, prejudices, and more are all determined by whether we are coming from a place of love or fear.
Racism and prejudice are driven by fear. That a person looks different is the cause of that fear. Being different makes them ‘unknown’ and we are always, or at least often, afraid of that which we don’t know. Once we get to know someone who looks different, that fear and our prejudice goes away. Fear of the unknown is a most basic and primal fear. But we are humans and can reason and rationalize and overcome our fears….and our prejudices.
Using a wheelchair makes me different and I experience a kind of fear and prejudice when I go out in public. I often make it a point to be particularly friendly in order to help others overcome their fears. Once that is done, they can treat me with love and don’t we all deserve that?
Fear based emotions rarely do us or anyone any good. These include hate, prejudice, distrust, doubt, pessimism, disgust and more. Love based emotions would be just the opposite; love, acceptance, trust, confidence, optimism, respect, etc.
Being able to recognize our emotions and fears gives us the opportunity to examine our feelings and ask ourselves “What are we afraid of?” If we can do that, we might not only be able to change how we feel, we just might change the world.
Participate. Make a difference. Live a life that matters.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Why my disability is better.
As I see it, disability comes to us one of three ways. We are born with it. We have a disease or condition that is progressive. Or, it is the sudden effect of some trauma or event. This is a generalization and I know there are exceptions to these rules, but bear with me.
In my case, I lived many years in good health before getting my diagnosis of multiple sclerosis. The diagnosis was found after experiencing some minor symptoms (tingling, numbness and some leg weakness).Since then there have been many more symptoms and “disabling conditions.” Because it is a progressive disease, these symptoms have “revealed” themselves to me over time, giving me the opportunity to adjust and make necessary changes both physically and mentally.
I consider this time to make adjustments a real advantage to having MS, or any other degenerative condition. Although I may not know what the future will be, I do know that I can count on time to adjust.
Now someone who is born with a disability may feel as though they have an advantage. It is what they have always known and nothing to have to get used to. Nothing has been “taken away” and there is no adjusting or adjustment to be made. Their life is the same as it has always been.
The person who has had an accident or sudden trauma as the cause of their disability may feel differently altogether. Yes, they have had to make adjustments, but typically only once and then they are done. Their physical condition may be forever changed, but there is no uncertainty about their future. What is done is done. They know what they have and what they have to deal with.
We may not have control over whether or not we have a disability. But we always have control over how we feel about it.
Whatever the nature or cause of our disability, or whatever challenges or conditions we may face in life, I hope that you will see and embrace its advantages. In other words, be grateful for what you got. It is the hand we were dealt. Let’s play it as best we can.
Participate. Make a difference. Live a life that matters.
In my case, I lived many years in good health before getting my diagnosis of multiple sclerosis. The diagnosis was found after experiencing some minor symptoms (tingling, numbness and some leg weakness).Since then there have been many more symptoms and “disabling conditions.” Because it is a progressive disease, these symptoms have “revealed” themselves to me over time, giving me the opportunity to adjust and make necessary changes both physically and mentally.
I consider this time to make adjustments a real advantage to having MS, or any other degenerative condition. Although I may not know what the future will be, I do know that I can count on time to adjust.
Now someone who is born with a disability may feel as though they have an advantage. It is what they have always known and nothing to have to get used to. Nothing has been “taken away” and there is no adjusting or adjustment to be made. Their life is the same as it has always been.
The person who has had an accident or sudden trauma as the cause of their disability may feel differently altogether. Yes, they have had to make adjustments, but typically only once and then they are done. Their physical condition may be forever changed, but there is no uncertainty about their future. What is done is done. They know what they have and what they have to deal with.
We may not have control over whether or not we have a disability. But we always have control over how we feel about it.
Whatever the nature or cause of our disability, or whatever challenges or conditions we may face in life, I hope that you will see and embrace its advantages. In other words, be grateful for what you got. It is the hand we were dealt. Let’s play it as best we can.
Participate. Make a difference. Live a life that matters.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you.”
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you.”
Did your parents ever say that to you? Usually it was mentioned just before giving out a punishment or a spanking (Something we don’t do any more!) Geez! What a bunch of malarkey…..or so I used to think. Living with multiple sclerosis has taught me otherwise.
Not for all, but for some, pain is a chronic, recurring and sometimes constant condition for many people who live with MS. I know this because my MS causes me to have a variety of pains most every day. Sometimes the pains are great and cause me to use expletives!
Some of the pains can best be described as something out of an old horror flick.
Imagine that a mad scientist has strapped you to a table and attached electric cables to your body. The cables are then attached to a machine with a large knob on it. Then, as our mad scientist turns the knob a jolt of electricity is sent to and through your body. Sometimes the mad scientist turns the knob just a little. Sometimes he turns it a lot, sending a giant bolt of electricity to the body. OW! I think that best describes some of the pains I feel. (If you are interested, my friend, Vicki Bridges has written a series of articles about MS and Pain that can be found on Health Central by clicking here: http://www.healthcentral.com/multiple-sclerosis/c/32873 )
But there is another pain that many of us with MS don’t get and that is the heartfelt pain experienced by those closest to us, those who love and care for us most. That is the pain they feel when they see us struggling with our pains and whatever challenges we face with our MS. Living with MS is not easy for me, but it seems to be even more difficult for those closest to me who often can do nothing more than watch it happen.
This is probably true for anyone who cares for someone who is ill and/or living with a disability or chronic condition. It seems that many of us who live with a condition may have accepted our pains more readily than those who love and care for us have. Our remembering that may help us to help those also affected by our condition.
I never spanked my children (although there were times when I wanted to throw them through a plate glass window), although I am sure that I earned my share of “potchkes on my tucchus” while growing up. But somehow today, living with a disability, I seem to understand how my condition “hurts them more than it hurts me.”
Participate. Make a difference. Live a life that matters.
Did your parents ever say that to you? Usually it was mentioned just before giving out a punishment or a spanking (Something we don’t do any more!) Geez! What a bunch of malarkey…..or so I used to think. Living with multiple sclerosis has taught me otherwise.
Not for all, but for some, pain is a chronic, recurring and sometimes constant condition for many people who live with MS. I know this because my MS causes me to have a variety of pains most every day. Sometimes the pains are great and cause me to use expletives!
Some of the pains can best be described as something out of an old horror flick.
Imagine that a mad scientist has strapped you to a table and attached electric cables to your body. The cables are then attached to a machine with a large knob on it. Then, as our mad scientist turns the knob a jolt of electricity is sent to and through your body. Sometimes the mad scientist turns the knob just a little. Sometimes he turns it a lot, sending a giant bolt of electricity to the body. OW! I think that best describes some of the pains I feel. (If you are interested, my friend, Vicki Bridges has written a series of articles about MS and Pain that can be found on Health Central by clicking here: http://www.healthcentral.com/multiple-sclerosis/c/32873 )
But there is another pain that many of us with MS don’t get and that is the heartfelt pain experienced by those closest to us, those who love and care for us most. That is the pain they feel when they see us struggling with our pains and whatever challenges we face with our MS. Living with MS is not easy for me, but it seems to be even more difficult for those closest to me who often can do nothing more than watch it happen.
This is probably true for anyone who cares for someone who is ill and/or living with a disability or chronic condition. It seems that many of us who live with a condition may have accepted our pains more readily than those who love and care for us have. Our remembering that may help us to help those also affected by our condition.
I never spanked my children (although there were times when I wanted to throw them through a plate glass window), although I am sure that I earned my share of “potchkes on my tucchus” while growing up. But somehow today, living with a disability, I seem to understand how my condition “hurts them more than it hurts me.”
Participate. Make a difference. Live a life that matters.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Reality Check
My big brother, Howard, has always been one of my teachers and role models. He taught me how to tie my shoes and to tie a necktie. Years later, he went into real estate sales. Then I went into real estate sales. He went into the mortgage business. I went into the mortgage business. The list goes on and on. He was and is a great big brother.
He also taught me that there is a great distinction between the events that occur in our life and our experience of them. For instance, my stories come from my personal experiences. Are they actually what happened? Yes and no. What they are is what I actually experienced. There is a huge difference between the events that occurred and what I experienced. Both are valid. Both are true….but not necessarily the same.
I will never forget when this truth about experience vs. what happened first hit home for me. It was back in the early 80’s and I was very involved with an organization called Quantum Management Systems. The group did several things including a weekend seminar. The seminar was the kind of transformational experience that was very popular at the time, much like EST, Life Spring, etc.
Sometime around 1982 my brother took that weekend seminar. As a repeat attendee, I could attend as a guest without paying and sit in the back of the room and I did. At one point, my brother got up to speak and he talked about his childhood, our mother and what it was like for him to grow up in our house. It was a very compelling story and everyone, including me, felt very sorry for him and the challenges he faced growing up. However, as I listened to him, there were two things that I kept forgetting. One is that I was listening to my own brother and two was that we grew up in the same home!
If you had heard both of us describing our childhoods, you would not even know that we were related. Why is that? We were both raised in the same house at the same time, with the same events and the same parents. But we experienced all of it very differently. Who was right? Both of us.
What caused this disparity in experience? Was it our age difference? That he was the older sibling? Did I get more attention because I was a sick kid? Whatever the reason, what is clear is that our history is based on our experiences and not the events themselves.
This may be one of the most important lessons that I have learned from my brother. Our feelings about what happens define our experience and feelings are always valid. They are, after all, how we feel. We cannot change our history or change the events that have already taken place. What we can change is our experience. How we feel is within or control.
That is exactly what my brother has done. He has chosen to have a different experience of his childhood. As he puts it “The events are still the same but I was allowed to perceive those events and, ultimately, my experience differently. It was a simple matter of changing my mind.” It may be more difficult than he makes it sound. After all, we often have a lot invested in stories about our history.
Knowing and being able to make this distinction between events and experiences helps me. It helps me to understand others and better understand myself.
I know that I am right about this. After all, that is my experience.
Participate. Make a difference. Live a life that matters.
He also taught me that there is a great distinction between the events that occur in our life and our experience of them. For instance, my stories come from my personal experiences. Are they actually what happened? Yes and no. What they are is what I actually experienced. There is a huge difference between the events that occurred and what I experienced. Both are valid. Both are true….but not necessarily the same.
I will never forget when this truth about experience vs. what happened first hit home for me. It was back in the early 80’s and I was very involved with an organization called Quantum Management Systems. The group did several things including a weekend seminar. The seminar was the kind of transformational experience that was very popular at the time, much like EST, Life Spring, etc.
Sometime around 1982 my brother took that weekend seminar. As a repeat attendee, I could attend as a guest without paying and sit in the back of the room and I did. At one point, my brother got up to speak and he talked about his childhood, our mother and what it was like for him to grow up in our house. It was a very compelling story and everyone, including me, felt very sorry for him and the challenges he faced growing up. However, as I listened to him, there were two things that I kept forgetting. One is that I was listening to my own brother and two was that we grew up in the same home!
If you had heard both of us describing our childhoods, you would not even know that we were related. Why is that? We were both raised in the same house at the same time, with the same events and the same parents. But we experienced all of it very differently. Who was right? Both of us.
What caused this disparity in experience? Was it our age difference? That he was the older sibling? Did I get more attention because I was a sick kid? Whatever the reason, what is clear is that our history is based on our experiences and not the events themselves.
This may be one of the most important lessons that I have learned from my brother. Our feelings about what happens define our experience and feelings are always valid. They are, after all, how we feel. We cannot change our history or change the events that have already taken place. What we can change is our experience. How we feel is within or control.
That is exactly what my brother has done. He has chosen to have a different experience of his childhood. As he puts it “The events are still the same but I was allowed to perceive those events and, ultimately, my experience differently. It was a simple matter of changing my mind.” It may be more difficult than he makes it sound. After all, we often have a lot invested in stories about our history.
Knowing and being able to make this distinction between events and experiences helps me. It helps me to understand others and better understand myself.
I know that I am right about this. After all, that is my experience.
Participate. Make a difference. Live a life that matters.
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