Do you know what is worse than taking things for granted?

In my last blog, I wrote about “The Opposite of Gratitude.” That, of course, is taking things for granted. However, the discussion doesn’t end there. Unfortunately, there is something worse than taking things for granted and I feel it needs to be addressed. That something happens all too often and at a great cost to the perpetrators and to the world around them. That ‘something’ is feeling “entitled.”

The dictionary defines entitle as:

1. grant somebody right: to give somebody the right to have or to do something ( often passive )
2. give title to something: to assign a title to something such as a book ( usually passive )
3. award somebody honor: to confer an official position or honor on somebody
that brings a particular title with it

The fact is that nobody is automatically entitled to anything. As defined above, being entitled to something, or feeling entitled is never something one can determine for one’s self. Entitlements must be granted from one person or entity to another. Yet, we see people all the time who behave in such a way, that clearly they feel entitled to do so.

We recognize them as:

The person who takes up two parking spaces.
The person who cuts in front of others at the check stand.
The person who is just down right behaving badly and treating others badly too.
The one who takes things because they feel they deserve it….are entitled to it.

Feeling entitled, that sense that “I deserve it” or “I shouldn’t have to”, comes at a great price. That price is that the “Entitled One” is deprived of any and all opportunity to experience gratitude. Think about it. If one feels deserving or entitled to something, why would he be grateful for it?

This absence of gratitude deprives one from appreciating anything and everything. Without appreciation, nothing is of real value and if nothing is of value, if nothing has meaning, then what is its purpose?

This is very different than taking things for granted. Taking things for granted suggests a lack of consideration. Unfortunately, what happens all too often is that we take for granted that which we value dearly. In order to feel entitled or deserving of something, there must be some consideration. What is missing from the consideration is the value or appreciation of the entitlement.
There are three keys to waking up happy every day.
1. Be grateful for as much as you can.
2. Take as little for granted as possible.
3. Know that you/we are not entitled to anything. Everything is a gift.
Everything is a privilege.

Thank you for letting me share my thoughts with you. If I have made one person’s life a little better today, than my life is better too.

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Validation

Because you are amazing. Because you are special. Because you are YOU!

This video takes a few minutes to watch (16 minutes) and is well worth it. If you are like me, get a tissue before you get started.

PLEASE ALLOW 2-3 MINUTES FOR THE VIDEO TO LOAD. IT IS WORTH THE WAIT.

The Opposite of Gratitude

Over the past several years I have become keenly aware of what the opposite of gratitude is. That is, taking things for granted. We all do it. As a practical matter, we cannot possibly feel or express gratitude for everything we have and all the things we do. The roads we drive on, the utilities we enjoy, the fact that we have elbows (imagine your life without them!) are all benefits we enjoy and we rarely stop to consider our gratitude for them and how they affect our lives. We take them for granted.

The question is what else do we take for granted? We each have to decide that for ourselves. I know what they are, or were for me: people and abilities.

Losing some physical abilities has caused me to savor the ones I have. I used to jog a 5K almost daily and do a 20 mile jog on the weekend. Now, I don’t walk well and need to use a walker or wheelchair everywhere I go. Jogging was something I loved to do and was an ability that I took for granted. Today, I am grateful for all the physical abilities I do have and don’t take them for granted.

My life, my entire world is filled with incredible people. Some are constants, like my family and friends. Others come and go. Today, I am much better at feeling and expressing my gratitude to and for them and the difference they make in my life. In fact, I have learned that a key to successful relationships is the ability to experience and express gratitude.

We take money, the ability to travel, peace and freedom, technology and so much more for granted and it is easy to do. All of these privileges and so many more have become ordinary, customary and life as we know it. The cost of taking it all for granted is that we lose our appreciation, thereby diminishing their value. This is true for privileges and people too.

We have all heard someone say “I feel like he/she takes me for granted.” That seems to be the universal experience of relationships that are in trouble. This is true at home and at work. Where gratitude is present, being taken for granted is not.

I have been married for 28 years and am more in love with my wife today than I was on the day we married. Is our life more difficult today? Yes, in some ways. Do I take her for granted? Probably. But that pales in comparison to the gratitude I feel and express to her every single day…..and do you know what? She expresses it towards me too. Our ability to feel and express gratitude toward one another has taken our marriage to a new place, one that we may not have found without the lessons we have learned about gratitude.

Gratitude requires two things of us. We have to feel it and be able to express it. Unexpressed gratitude towards the people who matter in our lives is useless. Taking things for granted requires nothing from us, but the cost of doing nothing may be more than we realize.

Do the opposite of taking things for granted. Experience and express gratitude and enhance the value of every privilege and person you value. You, and the people who matter to you, will be glad you did.

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My New Year's Resolution: To Do More

This year, I resolve to do more.

I will love more.
I will laugh more.
I will sing more.
I will participate more and I will make more of a difference in the world around me.

Life is a journey. If we pay attention along the way, we find that it is also a great teacher. Below are some of the things I have learned on my journey:

We all have something.
I have learned that nothing holds us back except ourselves. I have learned that we either have results or excuses as to why not. I have learned that we all have the same amount of time, and that we all can participate more, and do more to make a difference in this world. Whether it is an hour a day, an hour a month or an hour a year, we can all do something to make this a better world.

We can all do more.
Doing more requires only one thing: making the decision to do more. I have decided to do more for the MS Society. I will also do more for my wife, my children and my friends. I will do more for the world around me.

Doing more means participating more. Showing up is a good start, but it is not enough. Participating means rolling your sleeves up and getting involved both figuratively and literally. It means asking questions and learning more. It means listening when a listener is needed and teaching or counseling when called for. It means helping out and contributing time and attention to someone or something. It means caring.

We can all make a difference.
We can only make a difference when we care. Whether it is family or friends, work or a cause - my favorites are the MS Society (www.nmss.org ) and Chelsea’s Hope (www.chelseashope.org - Please visit this website). Find something that you care about and be a participant. If we participate, we can make a difference. When we make a difference, our lives have meaning and purpose.

Resolve to do more. That is my New Year’s Resolution. I may or may not lose weight, exercise more or save any money. What I will do is MORE…more of what is needed to make this world a better place. I hope that you will make that part of your list of resolutions too.

These are my New Year’s Resolutions and I am planning to have a great year.

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Fill Your Holidays And Everyday With Miracles

I have known Rabbi Joe for thirty years and I always loved spending time with him because I always learned something. One thing Joe taught was this: Just because a miracle can be explained, does not mean that it is not a miracle. To explain his position, he used two great biblical examples: The parting of the Red Sea and how “God gave us manna in the wilderness.”

Today scientists know of an earthly phenomenon which occurs annually. For a very brief period of time, parts of the Red Sea become so shallow that you can literally walk across it. Did God make the waters of the Red Sea part? Or did this earthly event just happen to occur as Moses was leading the Jews out of Egypt? Whichever you happen to believe, the fact that it did and/or does occur is nothing short of a miracle. (See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Red_sea )

After fleeing Egypt, the Jews spent 40 years in the desert. They did not bring enough food to last for 40 years. So how did they survive? An expedition set out in the desert of Israel in an attempt to retrace the steps that Moses and his followers took thousands of years ago. They discovered a tree that grows in that desert, that in the morning, produces a sweet dew that they could eat. A dew that would sustain them. Manna in the wilderness explained. (Also see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Manna)

Just because these biblical examples of miracles can be explained, does not mean that they are not miracles. If I were to dismiss miracles because they can be explained, I would miss out on the joy and awe that life makes available to me daily.

This has nothing to do with religion or faith (although that never hurts). It has to do with being excited, thrilled and grateful for that thing we call LIFE and all the miracles that occur in it every single day..

My whole life has been and continues to be about miracles. I was a very sick kid when I was young, so sick my parents were told that I would never be normal and probably spend my life in an institution. That didn’t happen and the reason can be explained. It was a miracle.

I have been in three car accidents, two in which the cars were totaled, and one in which I walked away, each time unharmed. Miracles. I have been held up at gun point and walked away unscathed. Miracle. I have been in beautiful places and watched the sun come up. Miracle. I was in the delivery room twice, watching my children being born. Miracles.

Miracles happen everyday. The question is, do we recognize them as miracles or do we dismiss them as everyday events? Do you know any cancer or transplant survivors? Miracles. Have you ever travelled in a car or airplane or boat? Miracles. Have you ever watched TV or listened to the radio or been on the internet? Miracles. Have you ever had someone or something show up at just the right time in your life? Miracles.

I love that my life is filled with miracles. In fact, I have become pretty good at recognizing and acknowledging them. Living a life that is filled with miracles makes every day worth celebrating and something for which to be grateful.

Make this holiday season a most miraculous occasion. Start recognizing the miracles taking place around you, for you and because of you. Then start doing it everyday. We don’t need a holiday to have a miracle. We just need to see them.

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Because you asked me.

It has been and continues to be my pleasure and great privilege to share my perspectives with all of you. As of this writing, my blog has been viewed many thousands of times and I have received hundreds of responses.

Recently, I received some questions from people asking for my advise, or at least my perspective about their circumstances and challenges. The questions were so great, I wanted to share them and my response with all of you. I do hope that you will find these of value.

Please know that if you have a question, you may write to me directly at michaelbgerber@gmail.com I promise you that if we publish your question and answer, your privacy and anonymity will be preserved.

Do know that I am not a mental health professional. But I am a big believer in them. If someone is struggling with adjusting to their new life, seek out professional help. It may be what is needed.

The first question and my response are below.

Dear Michael,

About two years ago, my mother had a brief but dramatic bout with brain cancer. My mom is a powerful and successful woman who has spent her career defying expectations and inspiring others, and so being in the role of a patient was already difficult enough for her. Her way to deal with it was to just not tell anyone about her cancer or surgery.

Thankfully, she lived through it and is now cancer free, but occasionally the evidence of the surgery is more obvious than she would like. The obvious clues are there, a faint but visible scar around the hairline, a few months of wearing a wig, a few missed big family events during the recovery period. Its the less obvious clues that seem to be the most upsetting to her - random and occasional stammering mid-sentence, difficulty focusing, less balance, and so on. As the visible scars healed, her behavioral ones seemed to increase. Now clients think that she is not the same, effective, powerhouse that she was before and they don't know why. She, understandably, doesn't tell them so not to seem unprofessional or needy of attention.

Doctor's say that the mental side effects of the surgery are probably permanant and may potentially worsen over time. How can I help my mother come to grips with her condition in a way that allows her to still feel in control? Is it right to share her medical needs with her clients? Is it okay that she's embarrased about these things?

Sincerely,

Concerned in Concord

Dear Concerned in Concord;

Let me begin by saying "Good for Mom." She made it through. She is a survivor. She also sounds like she is a very strong, independent and proud woman, all characteristics that probably helped her to get through this ordeal. She also sounds a lot like my own mother did.

A great challenge for many of us, especially those of us who feel in control, is accepting that sometimes we are not in control. What I have learned and accepted is that life's events fall into one of three categories. They are those that we control, those that we influence and those that we have no control over. Much of our health is beyond our control, but it is subject to our influence.

What may help Mom is having a conversation about what is beyond her control and then discussing what options she may have to influence the course of her health. Discussing, hearing and accepting these truths, and her coming up with what she can do to influence the disease, may help her with acceptance and that helps a lot.

Does she tell people about her disease or does she hide it? If she has obvious symptoms and does not explain why, customers and friends will spend their time wondering what is wrong with her. Not addressing it may be like not addressing the elephant in the room. But by addressing it up front, the issue is diffused and the wondering can cease. Better than that is the potential for bonding, strengthening relationships and building trust, which is what we really want in our relationships, be they business or personal. After the elephant has been addressed, the elephant, or rather the disability can become invisible and everyone can focus on business. Then she can be seen as the strong, determined, knowledgeable professional that she is.

Embarrassed? Your mother needs to feel proud of her self and of what she has overcome. Your mother is out there in the world, participating and living. Whether she wants this or not, she needs to know that she is now a role model for all people of what it means to be alive, even with challenges. She also needs to know that by not sharing her story, she may be missing out on all the kindness the world has to offer her and all the experience and knowledge that people have to share.

Your mother sounds like a woman of extraordinary dignity and strength. Her continuing to participate in this life can and will inspire others. In return, she may get much more than increased business. She will get a new found respect, admiration and an out pouring of love and caring from all whom she touches. Sort of a bonus prize for being the champion she is.

I know this is true for me. Sharing my story and being the example to others that I want to be, has made my life richer, better and so very worth living. I hope your mom feels that way too.

You are lucky to have a mom like her. She is lucky to have a concerned family like you.

Michael

I am as lucky as I want to be.

There are two kinds of luck. One is a skill. The other is about chance. Allow me to explain.

Almost thirty years ago a man named Doug Yeaman taught that “Luck is the ability to recognize opportunity when it knocks.” I love that definition and have never forgotten it. I love it because it takes the randomness and chance out of being lucky. Why are some people luckier than others? They are luckier because they are better at recognizing life’s opportunities. Luckily, I am pretty damned good at it.

Why are some people luckier than others? Or better yet, how come some people get more opportunities than others? They get more because they put themselves out there more, meaning they do more, see more, act more and participate more. The more I do, the more opportunities there are to be recognized by me. In that sense, I guess that luck is a numbers game. The more I play, the luckier I get. Want to win the lottery? Buy a ticket. Want to improve your odds? Buy more tickets.

I love this because it allows me to be responsible for creating my own luck in the world. When I began my professional career, the opportunities for advancement came very quickly and I jumped on them. I worked hard (something everyone can do), I invested a lot of hours (my choice and in my control) and I jumped on every opportunity I could to increase my level of responsibility. As a result, by the time I was 23 years old, I was managing a real estate office with almost 50 agents in it. Pretty lucky, don’t you think?

I have been able to turn some of life’s most random events into opportunities as well. That is certainly how I have approached living with multiple sclerosis. The disease has given me the opportunity to learn about myself, be an example to my children, teach my family and friends about what I have learned and for me to learn about gratitude and perspective in ways I never could have imagined. These are just a few examples of how lucky I am. They are also examples of my ability to recognize opportunity when it knocks.

The other kind of luck is chance. Some call it a feeling. Do I feel lucky? You betcha! My ability to see my life and circumstances as my good fortune serves me very well. Perhaps that is not luck, as much as it is gratitude and perspective.

Hmmmmm……if gratitude and perspective are opportunities that we all have, then maybe there is only one definition of luck.

I sure am a very lucky man.

I am not embarrassed.

I am not embarrassed by my wheelchair or walker. I am not embarrassed when I need help with meals or transportation. I am not embarrassed when my legs or hands are trembling or even when I fall down. I am not embarrassed by my disability. It is just life. My life. And, I would much rather have it than not have it.

Some people are embarrassed by their disability and I wish they weren’t. The fact is that every person on the planet has some level of disability. It is just that some are more obvious to the outside world than others. The truth is that everyone needs some help or assistance from time to time. I just happen to need more than most people.

If you are like me and you listen to the news, almost daily we get some new medical statistic. “Four percent of the population will get this disease.” “Six percent will get that.” “Two percent will get another.” The list goes on and on. The fact is that if we are lucky enough to live long enough, the chances are that we will all have some health issue to deal with in the future.

A few months ago a survey was completed which showed that more than 50% of Americans would rather die than live with a disability that prevents them from leading an “independent life.” I can only assume that these people don’t know me, or the more than 50 million people in this country who do live with a disability. (http://in.reuters.com/article/lifestyleMolt/idINN7B32025920080711)

I am no expert on surveys, but WOW! What an awful number! In fact, it is worse than awful. It is terrible, shameful and a cry for more education and understanding. It also tells me that I, and many of the other 50 million people who live with a disability, are not doing a very good job of being a visible example to the rest of the world of what it means to live a full life with a disability.

My goal is this: to increase the visibility of disability. I want to change those survey results. I want to be an example to all that, even with a disability like Multiple Sclerosis, I am fully engaged, out there, alive and living a full life among the ‘more able bodied’. I want to show the world that life is worth living with an able heart and mind, even if the body has its challenges.

I am not embarrassed by my life. I am proud of it. How about you?



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Thanksgiving. My mother's legacy.

Thanksgiving is one of my two favorite holidays of the year. I am sure that my feelings have much to do with the fact that this was my mother’s holiday when she was alive,. She would squeeze 30+ people into every inch of space she had in her small home and serve a feast to everyone who was mandated to attend, and anyone who needed a place to go. After all, everyone needs a place to go on Thanksgiving.

Each year’s dinner started the same way: with the reading of the menu. It took her some time to read the list of the 14 or 15 items she had prepared, followed by thanking everyone else who had contributed. “I want to thank David for bringing the butter” or “A big thank you to the Jones’ for bringing the extra folding chairs.” The truth was that people wanted to help and bring things, but this was her show, her Big Night. Occasionally, she might allow someone to bring string beans or sweet potatoes. But that usually meant we had a choice of the guest’s dish or her version of the same item.

Probably the most unusual or crazy thing that she did for the holiday was a TRIAL RUN. The weekend before Thanksgiving, she would prepare all her dishes, pack them up in Tupperware and bring them to our house, about an hour away. The holiday itself was such a source of joy and pride, I imagine that doing it only once was not enough for her. TWO THANKSGIVING DINNERS and each one was so much work. Who do you know who does that…….or wants to, for that matter? This was truly a labor of love.

She judged her success by the smiles on everyone’s faces and there were always plenty of those. This was her day to shine and she did. On Thanksgiving, she was a Star and we all knew it. Every year on this day, she got all the praises, attention, love and affection she so richly deserved.

I was lucky enough to spend 46 Thanksgivings with her. Now that Mom is gone, my great wife, Gail has inherited the holiday and she does a great job of filling Mom’s shoes. Now the holiday has become her night to shine and she does.

I had intended to write a holiday blog about Thanksgiving, more of my usual stuff about gratitude and perspective. Instead you got a story about my amazing mom and incredible wife. You will just have to trust that I do feel extraordinarily thankful and grateful for both of them.

Happy Thanksgiving.



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I am a survivor. We all are survivors.

What prompted me to write this was not my disability. It was prompted by the current financial crisis that our nation, and our world is experiencing

Sometimes we have to make adjustments that we never dreamed of making. Certainly, with my disability, that is what I have had to do. I am not alone. There are more than 50,000,000 people in this country who live with some kind of disability, many less severe and many more severe than my own. Every one of us has survived.

Many of my closest friends are struggling to make ends meet. Their world’s are changing and they are wondering what the future holds for them. Some of them have lost their homes and businesses. Some have moved to new cities. Many are wondering how will they pay their rent? Buy food? What will they do for a living? Very real, very difficult questions, all of which can be answered.

The simple and seemingly trite answer is that when the world changes, we need to change too. Because of my disability, I already know this to be true. When I gave up driving more than three years ago, I wondered if I would sense a loss of independence. When I had to give up working more than a year ago, I worried about how we would make ends meet. As my disease progresses, I wonder what the future will be like. What I have learned and know is that with whatever challenge comes my way, it will be dealt with. I will make the necessary changes and adjustments in order to get by. I will survive this ‘change’, because survival is what we do. It is a most basic human instinct.

The difficulty for those caught up in our financial crisis may be that they have not yet learned what I have from living with a disability. That is, to trust that they will make whatever changes are required in order to survive. Is it difficult? Yes. Is it painful? Yes. But it can be done and will be done.

Many of us remember the stories that our parents and grandparents told us about their growing up. My mother did not have a bedroom and slept on the floor of the dining room until she was teenager. My father-in-law is a Holocaust survivor and I won’t begin to tell you about what he endured against extraordinary odds. Many of us know stories about the Great Depression, with its breadlines and soup kitchens. God willing, we will never have to endure what others have. And yet, for a great number of people in this country, things may get worse before they get better.

Why am I saying all of this? I am saying it because we are survivors. It is a basic instinct that we all have. We will each do whatever we need to in order to survive. Will we need to get new jobs? Will we need to move? Will we become or take in roommates? Will we ask for help? We can and will if we need to.

It may not be pretty, or nice, or comfortable or easy to do. But all of us will do what we need to in order to survive. It is my hope that knowing that and trusting that is true helps us get through some of our most challenging times.

No one planned for this economic crisis. No one plans to live with a disability. But we do, because we are survivors.

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